Dear Sasuke
by ViolaBlue
Summary: Everyone's favourite emo, Sasuke Uchiha, has taken up the job of an agony uncle. What fun he'll have...
1. And so, it begins

**Dear Sasuke**

_By An Angel In Tears_

**A/N** I could not resist not doing this fanfic. I mean, it has reader involvement, and I believe that this will be fun to write. Please enjoy, and offer me some advice.

**Disclaimer: I will never own Naruto. Which is sort of a good thing because it would never be updated anyways.**

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_Dear Sasuke,_

_The boy I like ignored me when I told him that I liked him in a crush sort of way, and now he's acting like nothing has happened. What have I done wrong?_

_From Confused_

Dear Confused,

With the way you're talking, you sound like some stalker or something. Who does like fan girl type stalkers? Nobody, so stop drooling over him since he's probably too good for you. Leave him alone, and then you might have a chance with him. Or he'll just continue ignoring you. Stay out of his way, and there's the tiniest chance he'll return your feelings. Loser.

**Sasuke**

-x-

_Dear Sasuke,_

_My younger sibling is making my life a living hell, but my father say that I should ignore her because she's only young and immature. Problem is that she's using that to her advantage. I can't live with her, and I don't want to be impatient with her. What should I do?_

_From Anonymous_

Dear Anonymous,

Can't you think of a better name to use other than 'Anonymous'? God, and you wonder why your little sister picks on you. Anyways the solution is really simple as well, which makes me wonder if you're really stupid, or not a violent person. Beat the crap out of your sister, then she'll stop bullying you. You'd never make a good shinobi if you're getting beaten up by your little sister though. Weakling.

**Sasuke**

-x-

_Dear Sasuke,_

_I've been getting into trouble lately for being 'too nice' to others, and it's really getting me down. There's no such thing as being 'too nice' after all, is there?_

_From Boy._

Dear Boy,

You're not really a boy, are you? If you are, then that's pathetic when you're running around being too nice. Stop being nice. Kick some guys in the… actually, don't. Beat some people, try to kill some people, and then act emo. People will stop seeing you as nice. It works.

**Sasuke**

-x-

_Dear Sasuke-teme,_

_Why the hell did you run off to live with snake-pervert?_

_From BLANK_

Dear BLANK

I know you're Naruto.

**Sasuke**

-x-

_Dear Sasuke,_

_One of my friends has sort of betrayed me. I thought I could trust them, but then they've went and hurt a lot of people and it's all my fault. Help?_

_From Bad Friend_

Dear Bad Friend,

I can't help but laugh at you. It's all your fault and you should try and make it up. Kick their ass, and show this 'friend' that you can't be taken lightly. If they're stronger than you, then tough luck. Train more, because you're probably a weak person.

**Sasuke**

-x-

_Dear Sasuke,_

_I think I'm in love with someone who's the same gender of me. You're gay, aren't you? What should I do?_

_From Emotional_

Dear Emotional

I am not gay. I just have homosexual tendencies, thank you very much. Anyways, ignore the feelings. That's what I did.

…Crap.

**Sasuke**

-x-

_Dear Sasuke,_

_My family all think I'm anorexic because I don't eat as much as them. I just have a small stomach, and I don't intend on being fat. Help?_

_From Not-Anorexic_

Dear Not-Anorexic

Ignore them. They're jealous of your body. And the fact that you're probably fit, in the running and fighting type way. Not the attractiveness way, because really anorexic girls usually aren't. But, you should go and see a psychiatrist or something because you might just have a underlying mental condition that makes you think that you're fat, and then causes you to eat less.

**Sasuke**

-x-

_Dear Sasuke,_

_I… slept with a boy and now I keep being sick in the morning and I'm starting to put on weight. What does this mean?_

_From Scared_

Dear Scared,

You probably have a STD or something. Go and see a doctor. Also, stop sleeping around, because it makes you sound like a whore.

**Sasuke**

-x-

_Dear Sasuke,_

_I have an urge to steal random things. I've stolen erasers, pens and knives mainly. What can I do to stop doing this, because it's starting to scare me a little now._

_From Give me your Pens_

Dear Give me your Pens,

You're probably pretending about this problem so I'll reply to you. You're probably a random fan girl or something. Go kill yourself.

But, if the problem is genuine, chop your hands off or something with one of the knives you've stolen. Or gouge your eyes out with one of the pens, and stuff the erasers in the sockets. That should help you stop.

**Sasuke**

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**A/N **Well there we have the first chapter finished. It's pretty bad because I had to invent all of the problems myself and it's weird answering my own made-up problems as Sasuke. So, leave a review. Especially if you want to see one of your problems answered by Sasuke.

Ja Ne.


	2. Second Round

**Dear Sasuke  
**_By An Angel In Tears_

**A/N **Wow. I've had a pretty decent week. I finished fully translating a song, which is a first for me. Um… it's sifow's Ya-OMOTe and I'm addicted to it through her new album, 'Love Spell'. Anyways, enough shameless advertising from me, and on with this chapter!

**Dislclaimer: I still don't own Naruto. Sorry. Or Ootsuka Ai.**

-x-

_Dear Sasuke,  
__My parents are being totally unfair. They've only went and grounded me for no decent reason on something that totally wasn't my fault, and anyways, what happened was an accident. I've tried talking to them about the situation and they still don't care. What can I do?  
__From Ai-chan_

Dear Ai,  
I know your type. You just want me to add _that_ honorific to the end of your name so you can and show off to the other obsessed fan girl idiots out there. But that's not going to happen, so go and cry or something. Anyways, who calls their kid Ai? Who are you? Ootsuka Ai or somebody?  
Moving on to actually answering your problem now. What did you do? Drop your sister on their head or something? God, if they don't listen, do what every emo-wannabe does. Cry and threaten to kill yourself if they don't listen to your reasoning. Or threaten to drop your sister on her head again or something. Don't bother with that cookies and crap stuff because it doesn't work.  
And… at least you have… parents…  
**Sasuke**

-x-

_Dear Sasuke,  
__I have an addiction to something that isn't that common, or at least I don't think it is. I have an addiction to listening to my mp3 player. Okay, at first it was awesome, and now it's freaky. Any tips on getting over small addictions?  
__From LAWL_

Dear LAWL,  
What the hell's up with the name LAWL? God, can't you just say LOL or something, like every other normal person on the planet? Anyways, the answer to your problem is simple, which makes me question your intelligence. Throw it out of the window, and then get a truck to run over it. Then you can't listen to it, unless you try to glue it back together. Problem solved.  
…God, even Naruto could have answered that problem. And get a proper addiction.

**Sasuke**

-x-

_Dear Uke,  
__This guy likes girl with long hair, and I happen to have long hair. But he doesn't like me. You like girls/boys who have long hair, don't you? How did you feel when Neji rejected you?  
__From Angel-chan_

Dear Angel,  
What is it with your fan girl stalkers and your obsession with having the word 'chan' added at the end of your name? You're probably some random fan girl who I haven't met. Actually, you sound like a few girls I know. If you do happen to be one of those girls, and yes, they do know who they are, go and die in a fire. Secondly, my name is SASUKE. You can read, can't you? And before you probably write in again, I'm not a uke. Quite the opposite actually. Wait. Go hand yourself after you've possible died in a fire. How the hell do you know that I like girls with long hair? Stalker. And no, Neji never rejected me, or anything like that, so I don't know what you're talking about. Stop with your sick fan girl fantasies.  
About your little boy problem. Ignore him.  
**Sasuke**

-x-

_Dear Sasuke,  
__I see things. Things that nobody should ever need to see, and now I'm scared. I see dead sheep. It's a trick of the mind, isn't it? Please help!  
__From Baabara_

Dear Baabara,  
You see dead SHEEP? As if. If you think I'm that stupid not to notice the, "Baa," in your name, you need to go and get your head checked.  
**Sasuke**

-x-

_Dear Sasuke,  
__Fandom stole my life. I can't have a single thought that doesn't end up looping back to Naruto fandom. As great as the fandom is, it's going too far and killing what little social life I had before. Which, trust me, was very little.  
__From Emoer Than You_

Dear Emoer Than You,  
You're obsessed with _that_ idiot? God, get a life. And what's fandom? You could have at least give me some light about what you mean by 'fandom'. Unfortunately, I'm not a God yet, and I can't read your mind. Firstly, totally ignore the blonde idiot, and burn anything you have that reminds you of him. Then go and get a life because it really sounds as though you don't have one.  
And you, emo-er than me? I highly doubt it.  
**Sasuke**

-x-

_Dear Sasuke,  
__I broke up with my boyfriend almost two years ago, and I can admit that it was never going to work, just because I really didn't like him. But now, I've developed a really big crush on him but he's not interested. I know I've left it too late, but now it's driving me mad because I can't do anything about it. I don't expect us to get back together or anything, but could you give me some ideas about how to get over him and finally move on?  
__From Asuka_

Dear Asuka,  
God dammit, go and get a life and stop being obsessed with your ex. I mean, he's probably moved on and stuff and you're just pining over him like some sort of idiot. No wonder he's not interested. Forget about him, move on and you'll be fine. And don't start with the whole thing about you can't get over him. It's possible.  
**Sasuke**

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**A/N **I'm so sorry! This is so short! I've just really struggled with this chapter and I'm running out of ideas for problems pretty soon. I think I've got some ideas for the third one, but any contributions are welcome.  
Thank you to SandKunoichi and Cami Willow for reviewing on the first chapter. And a big thank you to zopponde and Angel-chan (not me) for giving me some problems to work with!  
So, now I've just got to write the next chapter. Joy.


	3. Fangirls Unite

**Dear Sasuke  
**_By An Angel In Tears_

**A/N **Well, this is a little unexpected, isn't it? For me to update twice in the same week? Well, at the moment it feels as though the pressure is on me to update because I never updated last week when I tried to promise myself that this would be a weekly thing to update. So, here I am, writing this little message to you. I'm a little disappointed that nobody tried to review on Chapter two although I got a few Favourites from it. So I guess that wasn't a waste then. Watch out for the character's problem… I tried to write another one from the perspective of a character. Guess who!  
I've also decided when I'm going to finish this fiction. It ends on a two digit number though so I guess I've got some writing left. Well, I hope I can continue writing this fiction until that number I have in my head.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I never have and I never will, sweetie.**

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_Dear Sasuke,  
__Remember me? I'm the girl who was worried about what happened after I slept with someone. I don't think you were right to call me a slut, and I want an apology. Otherwise I'll… sue you. Yeah, sue you. Also, I think you need to brush up on your biology skills. I don't have a STD. In fact, I'm pregnant.  
__From Confused-no-more_

Dear Confused-no-more,  
You honestly think that I'd apologise to a whore like you? Get your head checked or something, because I think you've been hit on the head or something! Go on, try and sue me. You won't get a single thing because quite frankly, you don't know where I live. And if you do, you're some psycho and I would really appreciate it if you stopped writing in to me. And yeah, I knew you were pregnant. I was lying when I said I thought you had a STD. Seems as though you can't take a joke. You make up for it though with your whoring, right?  
**Sasuke**

-x-

_Dear Sasuke,  
__My dream is to me a famous actor, but my parents are against it because they think that it would never work. I've had parts in small productions and I've been getting a long fine with everyone, and although this is going to sound egoistic, I'm actually a really good actor. I've also been accepted into a drama school on a scholarship, but my parents don't know since I got it working with my uncle. How can I break it to my parents?  
__From Masquerade_

Dear Masquerade,  
At last! A normal type of problem that's unique. I'm going to be blunt about the advice that I'll be giving you. Tell them, and if they don't like it, tough. After all, what right have they got to hold you back from what you want to do? Oh. Well, I can answer that. They're your parents, but if you've gone to all those lengths, go ahead and don't let them stop you. After all, I did that in a twisted type of way.  
**Sasuke**

-x-

_Dear Sasuke,  
__LIKE, OH MY GOD! I LOVE YOU!  
__From Mrs. Uchiha_

Dear Idiot,  
Go hang yourself. I never want to see you.  
Seriously.  
**Sasuke**

-x-

_Dear Sasuke,  
__Well, it's that I like someone who's been like a friend to me. I don't like him… I've known him long enough to tell the difference between 'love' and 'like' when it comes to him. The only problem is that I hang around with a group that's all mainly men, and I don't want any of them to poke fun at him if I tell him, and I don't want any of them to be offended. Help?  
__From Freaked_

Dear Freaked,  
Another one of these sappy problems? Why don't you girls read the problems that I've answered before, since they all seem to be about struggling to tell someone that you like them. Just tell them out of the blue away from everyone else, and if you're that bothered about your friends, keep it quiet. If you girls 'loved' people the way you run around telling people you do, then you'd do anything to keep it working somehow.  
**Sasuke**

-x-

_Dear Sasuke,  
__I feel… alone often. If I'm in a crowd, I'll try and get involved but I just can't seem to connect to people the way I want to. I'm tired of this because I often feel like a outsider, and you sort of briefly pulled around this once, didn't you? When you actually started to befriend Naruto and Sakura… right? So, offer me some advice please?  
__From Lonely_

Dear Lonely,  
I never befriended them. They were acquaintances. That's all they ever were to me, so never run around trying to tell me something that never happened. And wait… how the hell would you know something like that? You're not some stalker type fan girl, are you? Moving on from that, just get involved. If they ignore you, yell at them because then they'll notice that you're there. Of course, they'll probably hate you for doing that, but someone out there would realise that you've got the same anger management issues and then you wouldn't be lonely anymore.  
**Sasuke**

-x-

_Dear Sasuke,  
__I hate you. I really do hate you. I wish you would curl up into a ball, and die.  
__From I-hate-you_

Dear I-hate-you,  
That's nice. It's good to know. Okay, whatever.  
I hate you too.  
**Sasuke**

-x-

_Dear Sasuke,  
__I think that I'm an insomniac. Sort of. I try to sleep at night, but I can't. I've even heard a digital clock 'ticking' before and little things are keeping me awake. I can't cope with them anymore. What should I do?  
__From Sleepless_

Dear Sleepless,  
Do I look like a doctor? No. So why the hell are you asking me? How can you hear a digital clock ticking anyways? It's blatantly your imagination you idiot. The solution to this problem is so easy I don't know why I'm telling you it. I mean, a four year old could figure this out and that's saying something. Take sleeping pills or something. Just don't overdose with them. Actually, wait. Do overdose to make sure you make up for all of the sleep you missed. Or get knocked out. Preferably by a blow to the head. It might knock some common sense into you.  
**Sasuke**

-x-

_Dear Sasuke,  
__My mother thinks I'm somebody I'm not. She thinks that I'm a perfect student at school who's rather placid and quiet and would do almost anything to stay out of trouble. I am like that, but only around home because I'm a little intimidated my family. Truth be told, I'm a bit random and like to play joked, and I'm much louder than she thinks I am. I want to try and introduce that side of me to the family, but every time I try to, I get told to grow up. What should I do? I'm really stressing out over my this!  
__From Two-Faced_

Dear Two-Faced,  
Wow. Your name sure does tell me a lot about you. Remind me to never meet you personally, and I'm sure we'll get along just fine the way we are now. Moving along… parents again? Why the hell do people ask me these questions when my parents are…  
Just tell them to accept you for who you are, or to get lost. Or run away or something drastic to get their attention since they probably just want to keep that quiet side of you so they can concentrate on somebody else like an older or younger sibling or something so inconspicuous like that. I don't know how it would be inconspicuous, but it would just be. Or set the house on fire, and introduce them to your alter-ego that way.  
**Sasuke**

-x-

_Dear Sasuke,  
__I LOVE YOU MORE THAN MRS. UCHIHA DOES!  
__From Only Yours_

Dear Idiot Number 2,  
I know how you can meet me. I'll magically appear if you douse yourself in petrol, and then set yourself on fire and have nobody put you out until you pass out. Then I'll come and revive you.  
**Sasuke**

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**A/N** Another short chapter. Joy. I think it's because of the time limits I'm setting myself and the fact that I have no ideas for problems now since people stopped reviewing. That doesn't help me with this fiction.  
Ah, I think Sasuke has a right to be paranoid about fan girls now, ne? Now that they're all stalking him. Um… I **usually don't** beg but I really need some ideas if you want this to be updated. Reviews are adored, and you'll be thanked in the space that I'm typing in now.


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